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Divorce rearing its ugly head among Tambrahms

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This was a topic that I long yearned to write & there were many in our group who wanted to share their experiences...I am going to share something that happened recently ...The couple has not divorced but are having irreconcilable differences now & may be on verge of a separation

I had attended a Tambrahm marriage a year ago! We were happy that they were marrying within the community...Boy was well educated and had worked in MNC's..The girl too was convent educated & on her way to become a Cost Accountant...The marriage was all pomp & show...It was an arranged marriage to boot!

The first 6 to 8 months of their married life all looked normal...But we heard a shocking news that they are living separately..The boy who lives with his dad (his mother died a few years back) was putting unrealistic demands on the hapless girl...He was egoistic & self centered..He made the girl run around and manage the house..He stopped the cook...She had to buy all provisions, do the cooking & serve the duo..The boy will ask her to accompany him any time and she has to drop dead & stop her activities (even brushing her teeth)..The girl was tolerating all this..But soon realized her folly of giving into his unrealistic demands!!

Is he psychotic? Is he depressed? No one knows...All mutual talks have so far failed to reconcile the differences and bridge the gaps

Someone mentioned that may be he is gay? We do not know that yet & so I am unable to comment upon that

What sort of a boy who is living in a make belief world who cannot support his dear wife & almost torturing her day in & day out?

Sad to note that a community which is already suffering the ignominy of his inter caste & inter religion marriages (25% as per last count), low birth rates has to suffer the consequences of a failed marriage..

Please share your experiences
 
hi

some are very sadistic....may be he may think.....the girl should be like his mother to serve the both son /dad....now a days..

girls are smart...the boy is looser....may be girl will have second innings better..
 
This was a topic that I long yearned to write & there were many in our group who wanted to share their experiences...I am going to share something that happened recently ...The couple has not divorced but are having irreconcilable differences now & may be on verge of a separation

I had attended a Tambrahm marriage a year ago! We were happy that they were marrying within the community...Boy was well educated and had worked in MNC's..The girl too was convent educated & on her way to become a Cost Accountant...The marriage was all pomp & show...It was an arranged marriage to boot!

The first 6 to 8 months of their married life all looked normal...But we heard a shocking news that they are living separately..The boy who lives with his dad (his mother died a few years back) was putting unrealistic demands on the hapless girl...He was egoistic & self centered..He made the girl run around and manage the house..He stopped the cook...She had to buy all provisions, do the cooking & serve the duo..The boy will ask her to accompany him any time and she has to drop dead & stop her activities (even brushing her teeth)..The girl was tolerating all this..But soon realized her folly of giving into his unrealistic demands!!

Is he psychotic? Is he depressed? No one knows...All mutual talks have so far failed to reconcile the differences and bridge the gaps

Someone mentioned that may be he is gay? We do not know that yet & so I am unable to comment upon that

What sort of a boy who is living in a make belief world who cannot support his dear wife & almost torturing her day in & day out?

Sad to note that a community which is already suffering the ignominy of his inter caste & inter religion marriages (25% as per last count), low birth rates has to suffer the consequences of a failed marriage..

Please share your experiences

Divorce happens..why surprised.
No community is immune from this.

Btw why does the girl need a cook just becos she is working?
Working women here all cook themselves no matter how busy.

We woman here drive ourselves to buy groceries too.
Its all part and parcel of married life.
I myself buy my own groceries and provision.

We leave heavier jobs like repairs and car servicing..heavier cleaning jobs and other stuff to husband.

So why couldnt the girl manage?
 
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Vganeji

You are waking up very late regarding divorces in tamil brahmins.

It is common place in both arranged and love marriages within the community.

In matrimonial sites like Divorce Matrimony, you can plenty of them even ready for remarriage.

In india the common reasons are false credentials of boys regards education, job [earnings], unreasonable in laws , higher expectation of working girls regarding sharing of house

work and issues relating to gender equality and money issues [ Girls wanting to support their own parents in preferance to boys parents].

Interestingly, it is the girls who mostly approach courts for divorce and not boys.

Many boys live in fear of 498A and false cases of dowry and harassment.

One interesting fact is the girls in india heading for divorce are in the younger group of 24-27 years while abroad, one comes across those in 28 -35 age group..

Ultimately children of such marriage are the sufferers,Also divorced girls with kids have no takers in india
 
Divorce happens..why surprised.
No community is immune from this.

Btw why does the girl need a cook just becos she is working?
Working women here all cook themselves no matter how busy.

Regarding working girls not cooking, it is an indian thing.

Most do not like to cook and definitely not for husbands family if they stay together.

Why make it a gender issue?

We in india like to have servants for everything related to kitchen -cleaning , washing utencils, cooking .Not only kitchen , the need for servant extends to washing

clothes,Dusting and cleaning home.

If the couple have children , the need for servant extends to baby sitters also if inlaws do not accept the role.

We are a servant driven society.
 
Divorce happens..why surprised.
No community is immune from this.

Btw why does the girl need a cook just becos she is working?
Working women here all cook themselves no matter how busy.

We woman here drive ourselves to buy groceries too.
Its all part and parcel of married life.
I myself buy my own groceries and provision.

We leave heavier jobs like repairs and car servicing..heavier cleaning jobs and other stuff to husband.

So why couldnt the girl manage?

The girl was not working after marriage..In fact they did not want her to work..They wanted her to cook & manage daily chores
 
Many boys live in fear of 498A and false cases of dowry and harassment.

I do agree. There are at least two such cases in my knowledge where there is no guilt on part of the boys and still got framed and had to undergo many difficulties. There is drastic changes in expectations of boths sides, and that's what makes life difficult. Personal ego is on top an compromise is no where to be seen.
 
The girl was not working after marriage..In fact they did not want her to work..They wanted her to cook & manage daily chores

Then what is the problem?
Since she is a housewife why cant she do housework?
What is so hard to cook and clean?

Cant she drive and buy her own groceries and manage a home..after all its only a Father in law..not a Mother in law at home.

Old men do not nag Daughters in law.

My God..what else she wants ?

Just shut up and stay married or go marry a Prince and be a Princess...that too God knows she might complain that she has to do royal duties.

I dont get it..a housewife wants a cook?
Why does she want another person cooking for her husband?

Crazy.
 
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Then what is the problem?
Since she is a housewife why cant she do housework?
What is so hard to cook and clean?

Please read post 1 again madam,
The girl too was convent educated & on her way to become a Cost Accountant..
Does she deserve only to be a house wife? if she has become a cost accountant, she has to do her bit for the society as such.
 
Both boys and girls are well educated these days. Both are also employed and hence there is no financial dependence.

A girl will decide to divorce when:

1. Husband is a complete Momma's boy. Has no independence in decision making. Looks to his parents for every thing. Just earns a good salary and is an absolute zero in day to day management of finances. In such cases the Mother dominates. She treats the DIL as dust. In any case she never treats her own daughter and the DIL as equal.

2. Husband has mental and/or physical blocks which have been hidden from the girl and her relatives. It becomes a shock when the girl realises the truth. The physical block can include any of the sexual inadequacies that are revealed only on the bed. The girl in such a situation is totally shattered. She has no universal mean to compare and judge her level of satisfaction or inadequacy of it. She bides her time hoping that the things will improve. Then she opens up the topic of going to a Doctor or a Psychiatrist which is usually point blank rejected by the boy. Finally the girl takes the painful decision to quit. The mental blocks are still worse. Without treatment they can never be set right. In such cases the girl takes the decision quickly. Who would like to live with an alien being totally different in thinking and tastes!!

3. Husband is an alcoholic or a drug addict. Such men a re pathetic creatures. When they are sober, they are gems. But they have no control over their habits. And when they are under the unfluence of these substances they are just worse than brutes. It is usually a girl's nightmare to keep waiting for the husband late into the night and when he reaches home to take over the responsibility of cleaning and sterilising the house which is made dirty by the vomit of the husband. If the children are there it becomes a worst nightmare. The girl has to take care of the terrified the children too. In such cases the girl may get physically beaten up several times. The girl, though loves her husband for the gem that he is when sober, decides with a lot of pain to part ways.

4. If the husband has parents who are highly possessive of their son and would play dirty tricks and conspiracy games to make the DIL a second rate member of the family, the girl may decide to quit quickly. She knows her battle is a losing battle and it is better to go separate.

5. This is specially for the TB households. There can be clashes of values. A girl who is not used to the AchAram of the husband's house may find it extremely irritating and demeaning to follow them. She may find it extremely difficult to even communicate her nightmarish experiences to her husband who too may be very orthodox.

I sympathize with the women and consider each woman who has got over such situations with patience and forbearance to lead a normal life within the marriage as just angels who deserve to be worshipped.

About men deciding to divorce, others may write.

I wanted to keep away from the forum for sometime. But this topic made me come back and write this.
 
Regarding working girls not cooking, it is an indian thing.

Most do not like to cook and definitely not for husbands family if they stay together.

Why make it a gender issue?

We in india like to have servants for everything related to kitchen -cleaning , washing utencils, cooking .Not only kitchen , the need for servant extends to washing

clothes,Dusting and cleaning home.

If the couple have children , the need for servant extends to baby sitters also if inlaws do not accept the role.

We are a servant driven society.

Here we are not like this.
We cant get domestic helpers cos even the poor prefer being employed in factories instead of being domestic cleaners.

Even proffesional women like docs and lawyers here take pride in cooking for family.

Women in India seem to be spolit.
There is no excuse not maintaining a home for family.

Btw do women really do not mind another person cooking for her family?

Long long ago when I had a foreign domestic helper..I never allowed her to even give a glass of water to my husband or son.

Food I totally handled for my family cos food needs to be served with love and not out of duty.
 
Both boys and girls are well educated these days. Both are also employed and hence there is no financial dependence.

A girl will decide to divorce when:

1. Husband is a complete Momma's boy. Has no independence in decision making. Looks to his parents for every thing. Just earns a good salary and is an absolute zero in day to day management of finances. In such cases the Mother dominates. She treats the DIL as dust. In any case she never treats her own daughter and the DIL as equal.

2. Husband has mental and/or physical blocks which have been hidden from the girl and her relatives. It becomes a shock when the girl realises the truth. The physical block can include any of the sexual inadequacies that are revealed only on the bed. The girl in such a situation is totally shattered. She has no universal mean to compare and judge her level of satisfaction or inadequacy of it. She bides her time hoping that the things will improve. Then she opens up the topic of going to a Doctor or a Psychiatrist which is usually point blank rejected by the boy. Finally the girl takes the painful decision to quit. The mental blocks are still worse. Without treatment they can never be set right. In such cases the girl takes the decision quickly. Who would like to live with an alien being totally different in thinking and tastes!!

3. Husband is an alcoholic or a drug addict. Such men a re pathetic creatures. When they are sober, they are gems. But they have no control over their habits. And when they are under the unfluence of these substances they are just worse than brutes. It is usually a girl's nightmare to keep waiting for the husband late into the night and when he reaches home to take over the responsibility of cleaning and sterilising the house which is made dirty by the vomit of the husband. If the children are there it becomes a worst nightmare. The girl has to take care of the terrified the children too. In such cases the girl may get physically beaten up several times. The girl, though loves her husband for the gem that he is when sober, decides with a lot of pain to part ways.

4. If the husband has parents who are highly possessive of their son and would play dirty tricks and conspiracy games to make the DIL a second rate member of the family, the girl may decide to quit quickly. She knows her battle is a losing battle and it is better to go separate.

5. This is specially for the TB households. There can be clashes of values. A girl who is not used to the AchAram of the husband's house may find it extremely irritating and demeaning to follow them. She may find it extremely difficult to even communicate her nightmarish experiences to her husband who too may be very orthodox.

I sympathize with the women and consider each woman who has got over such situations with patience and forbearance to lead a normal life within the marriage as just angels who deserve to be worshipped.

About men deciding to divorce, others may write.

I wanted to keep away from the forum for sometime. But this topic made me come back and write this.

Kya keep away from forum yaar..without logging in how you came back?

Just admit it that you cant stay without forum.

Yes it has been a bit boring these days..now hot topic so everyone will join in.
 
Please read post 1 again madam,

Does she deserve only to be a house wife? if she has become a cost accountant, she has to do her bit for the society as such.

She can work if she wants but that doesnt mean she wont cook.

Surely she knew that she wont be allowed to work or was she told she can work?
 
Girls in India are educated and independent (or want to be). Not all Indian boys have to accept that.
This sexual orientation too has become an issue.
But vganeji you are late to the party. It has been going on for last 20 years. The girls family was shamed so they kept it quiet. There used to be rumors, but now that stigma is gone and people do not mind if the word gets out.

In olden times women did not have a voice, or finances to live alone. So they were totally dependent on the husband.
So these kinds of atrocities continued, and women had to bear it.

So in a way, Divorce might be the only answer.

Why is the father of the boy not mediate on behalf of DIL and marriage? May be he is the cause of it?
 
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.....
Sad to note that a community which is already suffering the ignominy of his inter caste & inter religion marriages (25% as per last count), low birth rates has to suffer the consequences of a failed marriage..

how does this impact a community as a whole, I wonder!

this is one of numerous cases of issues among couples, irrespective of communities, which is common now in india.

may I know why you drag the community?

'...ignominy of inter-caste & inter-religious marriages..'. Ignominy? sorry to say, sounds anachronistic statement sir!
 
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Here we are not like this.
We cant get domestic helpers cos even the poor prefer being employed in factories instead of being domestic cleaners.

Even proffesional women like docs and lawyers here take pride in cooking for family.

Women in India seem to be spolit.
There is no excuse not maintaining a home for family.

Btw do women really do not mind another person cooking for her family?

Long long ago when I had a foreign domestic helper..I never allowed her to even give a glass of water to my husband or son.


Food I totally handled for my family cos food needs to be served with love and not out of duty.



The reality in India:
In a well to do family (say rich), there are all kinds of servants.
Rarely the housewife will even go to the Kitchen.
I one family There were 6 people working to support them.
There was a general servant (who lived in the house), just answering the calls of the people and running errands (he had a scooter of his own).
There was a cook, and she would come around 10 am and make lunch, and bring it to the table.
The same cook may also make dinner before leaving.
There was a maid who came to do the dishes and wash clothes.
There was another servent who came to dust and mop the house.
Then there was a Driver.
The housewife will spend just managing the household and servants.


If the housewife herself cooks, it is obvious that they can not afford it. They will be disbarred from the country club. LOL
 
Why is the father of the boy not mediate on behalf of DIL and marriage? May be he is the cause of it?

The FIL tried his best..Son is adamant that girl has to dance as per his wishes..As mentioned by TBS, he looks sadistic to the hilt! Not an iota of remorse for what happened..Now the boy's relatives are anxious for the marriage to survive..They have requested the girl's father to stay with his daughter & SIL...But he refused as his aged father cannot be left alone..His only condition is that the boy & his father apologize for what has happened and that the boy assure him that he will not repeat his folly..Also allow his daugter to work & not make her a slave to them!!
 
how does this impact a community as a whole, I wonder!

this is one of numerous cases of issues among couples, irrespective of communities, which is common now in india.

may I know why you drag the community?

'...ignominy of inter-caste & inter-religious marriages..'. Ignominy? sorry to say, sounds anachronistic statement sir!

This is a TB forum & hence we are discussing our travails! Does it bother you so much?
 
I have pondered over the recent trend of increase in divorce among the TB community. According to me one of the main reasons is "economic independence" the girls enjoy today, as compared to previous generations. Lack of understanding between wife and husband another reason. In our family I found quite a few Divorces, both among love marriages and arranged marriages as well. Most of them happened when the couple live independently abroad. The reasons given for this look too silly to take the course of legal separation.

In a married life after the initial period of infatuation was satisfied, both have to adjust a lot as the years pass by to maintain compatibility. Living alone has its plus points and minus points as well. Parents should involve themselves and iron out simple differences in the beginning itself before they grow up to banyan trees. Among today's couple, postponement of getting babies for a later date is another reason for widening the gap.between the couple.
Money matters should never be allowed to mix up in managing the family.
Above all we must remember the wise words of Dale Carnegie " in an argument no body wins". Couple should not involve themselves in arguments often. This is the problem more rampant among the educated couple.
I shall join in the discussion after hearing from others.
Brahmanyan
Bangalore.
 
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The FIL tried his best..Son is adamant that girl has to dance as per his wishes..As mentioned by TBS, he looks sadistic to the hilt! Not an iota of remorse for what happened..Now the boy's relatives are anxious for the marriage to survive..They have requested the girl's father to stay with his daughter & SIL...But he refused as his aged father cannot be left alone..His only condition is that the boy & his father apologize for what has happened and that the boy assure him that he will not repeat his folly..Also allow his daugter to work & not make her a slave to them!!


Thanks for the clarification.
Sometimes the Indian parents are willing to accept too many insults from the boy's side. Indian parents advise their daughters to adjust (kind of give in). I find that appalling.

I was frustrated with the parents of the girl who made their daughter suffer for 3 years before they allowed their daughter to file for divorce. Fortunately, the parents are wealthy and can support the girl, but this well-qualified girl is not working and is distraught. The girl and girls parents are cut off from one side of the family.

The boy's parents did help, on the other hand, they expected the boy to send them money for their living.

The stigma of divorce in an orthodox TB is more than in other community.
The heading of the title says as much.
No body likes divorce and it causes innumerable hardship.

But it is not the END OF WORLD, we must accept it, and get on with life.

If there is no mutual respect between the parties, it is time to call it quits and go separate ways.
 
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Thanks for the clarification.
Sometimes the Indian parents are willing to accept too many insults from the boy's side. Indian parents advise their daughters to adjust (kind of give in). I find that appalling.

I was frustrated with the parents of the girl who made their daughter suffer for 3 years before they allowed their daughter to file for divorce. Fortunately, the parents are wealthy and can support the girl, but this well-qualified girl is not working and is distraught. The girl and girls parents are cut off from one side of the family.

The boy's parents did help, on the other hand, they expected the boy to send them money for their living.

The stigma of divorce in an orthodox TB is more than in other community.
The heading of the title says as much.
No body likes divorce and it causes innumerable hardship.

But it is not the END OF WORLD, we must accept it, and get on with life.

If there is no mutual respect between the parties, it is time to call it quits and go separate ways.

Dear Prasad Ji,

The stigma of divorce is the same for all communities.
There is no difference.

Out here if a person is a divorcee no one would marry her/his sons or daughters.
Everyone would say something must have been wrong with a divorcee hence it lead to divorce and people would be afraid to let their children marry into a family where the parents are divorced.

A widow or widower is given more respect than a divorcee.
 
The messages between 27th & 31st July are missing due to technical issue as per admin...May be we have to rediscuss a few points!!
 
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.... The stigma of divorce is the same for all communities.
There is no difference......... .
Dear Renu,

The stigma seems to be less in tambrahms and it is surprising to me!

In my extended family, two boys and a girl have re-married, within months after the divorce!

Can you believe it?
 
Dear Renu,

The stigma seems to be less in tambrahms and it is surprising to me!

In my extended family, two boys and a girl have re-married, within months after the divorce!

Can you believe it?

stigma is a thing of the past now!

tb girls and boys of current generation do what they think is right.

they don't care what others, especially old generation, think.

they have broken out of the orthodox shells their parents caged them in.

unlike our generation, they mingle freely with others.

we were meekly subservient to our parents' imposition of tb customs, rituals, traditions, mentality, mindset on us.

but current generation tb youngsters don't. they think liberally. they politely decline and firmly refuse to subject to any imposition upon them.

why tb, 'b' itself is an uncivilized term for them.

we have to magnanimously appreciate their progress.

I have seen tb d-i-l's freely moving around inside their houses with just shorts and t-shirts on, in front of their f-i-l's let alone m-i-l's. stranger than this, f-i-l is insensitive as if she were his own teenage daughter whom he had raised pampering.

their attitude is, 'this is how I was in front of my parents. this is how I will be wherever I go'.
 
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