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Laughter the best medicine/quotable quotes(source internet/newspapers)

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Quotable quotes / laughter the best medicine
v Office-- a place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
v To women men are like bank accounts,without a lot of money they don’t generate much interest.
v To err is human,to blame your computer for your mistake is even more human,it is down right natural.
v A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
v Cigarette---a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other end.
v Let the meek inherit the world after we are through with it.
v Doctor – a person who kills your ills by pills, and then kills you with his bills.
v The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,because the average man can see better than he can think.
v Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
v Always borrow money from a pessimist,he does’nt expect to be paid back.
v Take my advice,I don’t use it anyway.
v Where there is a “WILL” I want to be in it.
v War does’nt determine who is right,war determines who is left.
v A bachelor is a guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
v There was a family, Mr.Bigger,Mrs.Bigger,and their baby,who was bigger?
v Answser, the baby - He was a little bigger.
v Learn from the mistakes of others,you can’t live long enough to make them all by yourself.
v Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.Check three of your friends,and if they are ok,you are IT.
v Men are like government bonds, they take so long to mature.
v Success is a relative term,it brings home lot of relatives.
v A dress is like a barbed fence,it protects the premises without restricting the views.
v Hard work never killed anybody,but why take the risk.
v There are more men than women in mental asylums,which just goes to prove who is driving whom crazy.
v If it is zero degrees outside today,and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,how cold it is going to be.
v Everyone should marry.Afterall happiness is not the only thing in life.
v The wiser never marry,and when they do marry,they become otherwise.
v VACATION SPECIAL-Have your home exterminated;get rid of Aunts; Zap does the job in 24 hours.
v I try to take one day at a time.But sometime several days attack me atonce.
v If your father is a poor man,it is your fate.But if your father-in-law is a poor man it is your stupidity.
v Since light travels faster than sound people appear bright until you hear them speak.
v Men who sink into woman’s arms,soon have their arms in woman’s sinks.
v Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
v Work fascinates me,I can look at it for hours!!
v CORPORATION - An ingenious device for obtaining individual profits,without individual responsibility.
v If you try and don’t succeed ,cheat,repeat until caught,and then lie.
v Ever wonder what the speed of lightining would be if it did not ZIGZAG!
v The sound of a KISS is not as loud as that of a cannon,but its echo lasts a great deal longer.
v Love thy neighbour,but don’t get caught.

Here are sum carefully selected jokes.

1.
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good
trip.
The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for
nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

2.
Ek Bus main Ladke aur Ladkiyon ki team bani , Antakshari khelne ke
> liye
> Girls : Hum tumko hara ke dikhayenge
> Any Guesses for BOYS response
> socho socho…………
> Are bhai boys are boys…………….. >
> Boys: Hum Haar gaye , Chalo ab dikhao… !
3.
After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying; My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours ie. 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 - 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left.How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I understood Sir ! thank you sir for all the money you have been giving me, I am sorry for trying to steal from the Company !!!
4.
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,"
said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well actually I don't," said the student,
"but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
5.
What is difference between Watch & Wife?
Ek bigarti hai to bandh ho jati hai, aur Dusri bigarti hai to chalu ho jati hai !
---------------------------------------------
Always listen to your wife.
She gives Sound Advice:
99% Sound and 1% Advice.
---------------------------------
A 50 yr old man asked wife: Do you feel sad when you see me running behind young girls?
Wife: No, not at all, even DOGS chase cars, but can't drive them !!!
-------------------------------------
Hubby: Darling, years ago you had a figure like Coke bottle.
Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.
-----------------------------------
Friend: He Bhagwan tu muje Dard de,Dukh de,Sare sansar ka Gum de,Kasht de,Takleef de.
Response by a friend: Baba pe itni saari demand kyun karte ho,BIWI maanglo!
------------------------------------------
A woman is always right.
Sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, irritable and even downright stupid.... but NEVER EVER wrong...!
------------------------------
Why India did not qualify for the World Soccer?
Laloo 2 his P.A - Itne khiladi kyun football ko laat mar rahe hai?
P.A: Goal karne ke liye.
Laloo: Susra, Ball to pahle se hi gol (round) hai aur kitna gol karenge?




 
balki,

there are quite a few folks here like me, who do not know hindi.

can you please translate?

thanks :)
 
how do we get help to the damage done to the body through these bites?

they were very good hard deep ones (atleast the ones in english)

:)
 
balki,

there are quite a few folks here like me, who do not know hindi.

can you please translate?

thanks :)
[FONT=&quot]Ek Bus main Ladke aur Ladkiyon ki team bani , Antakshari khelne[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Ke liye[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]In one school bus boys and girls formed separate teams for playing “Antakshari”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Girls : Hum tumko hara ke dikhayenge[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Girls:We will beat you boys and “show’how[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Guess BOYS response[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> socho socho…………THINK AND THINK[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]BOYS ARE BOYS…….. >[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]> Boys: Hum Haar gaye , Chalo ab dikhao… ![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]BOYS WE ACCEPT DEFEAT!!AND NOW “”show”” US!![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What is difference between Watch & Wife? [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Ek bigarti hai to bandh ho jati hai, aur Dusri bigarti hai to chalu ho jati hai ![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]If watch conks itdoesnt work and stops “the tick tick sound”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]If wife gets angry(bigarna)then she “starts” howling!![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]-Friend: He Bhagwan tu muje Dard de,Dukh de,Sare sansar ka Gum de,Kasht de,Takleef de.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Response by a friend: Baba pe itni saari demand kyun karte ho,BIWI maanglo![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Friend/Oh God you give me “pain”,give me “sorrow”,let me bear[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]the ills of all world,let me suffer,let me be the bearer all these!![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]His friend in reply: OH friend “why burden ” God with so many demands “SIMPLY ASK FOR A WIFE”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Why India did not qualify for the World Soccer[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Laloo 2 his P.A - Itne khiladi kyun football ko laat mar rahe hai?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]P.A: Goal karne ke liye.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Laloo to his PA: Why so many players are shunting the food ball up and down the playground? PA : so that they can “score“the goal”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Laloo Oh!boy! the “ball is already “GOAL” (ROUND IN SHAPE)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]AND WHY MAKE IT MORE (GOAL)// round!![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] sir[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]hope the translated version will tickle you!good day[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]ebsmanibalki
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
 
here is some more

Mera Bharat Mahaan
>
> Mera bharat mahan
>
>
>
>
>
> Ethnic jokes, with no apologies
>
> TAMIL JOKES:
>
> Whats the opposite of Gopalakrishnan? Comepalakrishnan.
> What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy? Subramanium Didn't See Me.
> How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu? Ready...Steady...PO
> What do you call a really colourful Tamilian? Rangamannar Rangarajan.
> What is the Tamil name for the tallest building in Japan? Nikkumo
> Nikkado
> (Will it or wont it stand?)
> What is the difference between Kunnank! udi Vaidyanathan and Gandhi?
> One is
> a violanist, the other is a non-violanist!
>
>
> MALAYALEE JOKES:
>
> What do you call an amazing Malayalee? - Pheno Menon.
> What do you call a dashing Malayalee? - Debo Nair.
> What do you call a Malayalee drunkard? - Kutty Sark.
> Why do they require 5 people for a Malayalee funeral? Four to carry the
> coffin and one person to carry the two-in-one.
> Why did the Malayalee
> cross the road? Simbly!
>
>
> SINDHI JOKES:
>
> What do you call:
> A god fearing Sindhi? Bhagwandas Godwani
> A Sindhi painter? Sadarangani
> A Sindhi chef? Papadmull Kukreja
> A Sindhi electrician? Voltram Bijlani
> A Sindhi milkman? Gopal Dudeja
> A Sindhi pest control contractor? Khatmull Marwani
> A Sindhi stripper working in New York? Barbra Jhangiani
> A Sindhi casanova? Prem Kissinchandani
> A Sindhi fire-engine? Bhambhani
> A Sindhi detergent? Neelam Rin-dani20(Rin is a Detergent)
> A Sindhi postman? Mailwani
> A communist Sindhi? Karl Lal-wani (Lal for the red communist flag)
> A fashionable Sindhi? Jogio Armani
> A heroic Sindhi soldier? Hiroo Sipahimalani
> A forgetful Sindhi? Bulo Bhulchandani
> A fat Sindhi? Hathiramani
> A downtrodden Sindhi? Nichani
> A corrupt Sindhi? Chaipani (Chai-pani is colloquial for bribe')
> A Sindhi fly? Makhija
> What do you call a Sindhi with six knees : Sahani (
> Shahaknee)
> A Sindhi who falls from the 1st floor? Thad-ani (Thud-ani)
> A Sindhi who falls from the 10th floor? Kriplani (Cripple-ani)
> Why are a Sindhis nostrils big? Because air is free
>
> MAHARASHTRIAN JOKES
>
> What do you call a modern Maharashtrian? Western Ghat.
> What do you call a Maharashtrian tailor? Sadashiv.
> Which Maharashtrians wrote the book 'Apartheid in South Africa?' Dhaval
> Gore
> and Krishnakant Kale.
> What did Bruce Lee say to the Maharashtrian? Tumhi Marathe, Aamhi
> Karate.
>
> GUJJU JOKES:
>
> Why did the Gujjus think the man who acted as Gandhi in the film was a
> woman? Because his name was 'Ben Kingsley.
> Why does the Gujju go to London? To see his Big Ben.
> Why does the Gujju take a 2-in-1 to the bathroom? Because his mom said
> that
> water came out of the tape (tap)
> Why did the visitor to the Gujju home run away when he was offered tea?
> Because the Gujju said he would serve
> snakes with it. (snacks)
> What is a Gujju picnic called? A snake in the grass
>
> What d
> id the Gujju mean when he said, Maro dikro STATES magayon? His son
> failed in statistics.
> Maro dikro Dubai gayo? My son drowned.
> Why was the Gujju stacking up pennies on the day before exams? He
> wanted to
> get cent-par-cent.
> What do you call a knee less gujju ? Nilesh (Pronounced Nee-Less)
>
> BENGALI JOKES:
>
> An angry Bengali letter? Chitti-chitti Bong! Bong
> A talkative Bengali? Bulbul Chatterjee
> An outlawed Bengali? Kanoon Banerjee
> An enlightened Bengali? Jyoti Basu
> A stupid Bengali girl? Balika Buddhu
> A Bengali marriage? Bedding
> A Bengali voyeur? Keyhollo
> A mad Bengali? In Sen (insane)
> A dark Bengali who lives in a cave? Kalidas Guha
> A perfumed Bengali? Chandan Dass
> A Bengali goldsmith? Shonar Bongla
> What's bigger than the Bay of Bengal? The Bengali Ego
> When does a Bengali sound like a dog? When
> he says Bow (wow)
> Also when he bharks! (works).
>
 
here's another!!!
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean up all of the cow manure. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.

The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to make decisions!"
 
no offense meant but the moral is something that we need to practice

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down
on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face
was plastered with red lipstick, and half-empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around
with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,'
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said,
nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
Moral: Make sure you understand the
question before offering the answer
.
 
[1] Regular naps prevent
> > old age, especially if you take them
> > while driving.
> >
> > [2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are
> > a referee.
> >
> > [3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
> > always
> > right and the other is the husband!
> >
> > [4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I
> > tried -
> > but they wanted cash.
> >
> > [5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month
> > after
> > you've purchased new school uniforms.
> >
> > [6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
> >
> >
> > [7] Don't marry the
> > person you want to live with, marry the one
> > you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll
> > regret it
> > later.
> >
> > [8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
> >
> > [9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not
> > vote.
> >
> > [10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting
> > before
> > you get tired.
> >
> > [11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to
> > her or
> > she'll take it anyway..
> >
> > [12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong
> > and she agrees with me.
> >
> > [13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job
> > to
> > others.
> >
> > [14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
> >
> > [15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many
> > times,
> > always with the same person.
> >
> > [16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering
> > things more than doing
> > them.
> >
> > [17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes
> > his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
> >
> > [18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions
> > between address books.
> >
> > [19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents
> > have done it for you.
> >
> > [20] Wise men talk because they have something to say;
> > fools
> > talk because they have to say something
> >
> > [21] They call our language the mother tongue because the
> > father seldom gets to speak!
> >
> > [22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
> > Dr: Get married.
> > Man: Will it help?
> > Dr: No, but then the
> > thought of long life will never come.
> >
> > [23] Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
> > It's a
> > formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the
> > fight
> > begins!
> >
> > [24] Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we
> > do?
> > Husband: Let us stand
> > in silence for 2 minutes.
> >
> > [25] It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs
> > Arranged.
> > It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being
> > murdered.
> >
> > [26] There is only one perfect child in the world and every
> > mother has it.
> > [27] There is only one perfect wife in the world and every
> > neighbour has it!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
 
Another ethnic based joke

Bengali

One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.

Bihari

One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.

Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.

UP Bhaiyya

One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.

Gujju

One Gujju = a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

Andhraite

One Andhraite = chilli farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

Kashmiri

One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

Tamil-Brahmin

One Tamil-Brahmin = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tamil-Brahmins = maths tuition class.
Three Tamil-Brahmins = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tamil-Brahmins = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara

Bombayite

One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.

Sindhi

One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

Marwari

One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.

Mallu

One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.
 
Another ethnic based joke

Bengali

One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.

Bihari

One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.

Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.

UP Bhaiyya

One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.

Gujju

One Gujju = a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

Andhraite

One Andhraite = chilli farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

Kashmiri

One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

Tamil-Brahmin

One Tamil-Brahmin = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tamil-Brahmins = maths tuition class.
Three Tamil-Brahmins = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tamil-Brahmins = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara

Bombayite

One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour.

Sindhi

One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

Marwari

One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.

Mallu

One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.


Amala

First Amala- acting tragic
Second Amala- confident smart
Third Amala- tit-for-tat
Fourth Amala- Laughing Riot

All thru playing mouse and Cat.

Greetings
 
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