sangom,
when my grandmother died, we did go dhaanam. the scenario was just what you described. the owner came, and i (who did all the kriyai) timidly handed over the cow to the priest, who handed it back to the owner. and cash exchanged hands. which was several years ago.
of more recent, for my own parents' ceremonies, in varanasi, even new garments were not given to the needy brahmins. the ganapadigal, took all my cash, and at the appropriate moment, mrs ganapadigal arrived with the said saris and veshtis, which were circulated from her to her hubby to me to the poor back to mrs ganapadigal back to bureau.
i have written about it in detail in this forum long ago.
i realize that death is perhaps the most defining incident that those who left behind feel strongly about ensuring what they believe as 'proper' to do. somebody told me, not to worry if the ganapadigal abused his duties entrusted to him, but our hands and hearts are clear, that we did the 'right' thing.
at one point i agreed, but now i am not so sure. with this knowledge, i knew, that my 'innocence' was gone. i was a witness to this corruption of a ritual, something so feeling and sacred for me, for it concerned my mother and father. how can i reconcile this to my own conscience?
i was only glad, that i did not bring my eldest son, who wanted to witness this. i would have had a tough time explaining the dhanam circus that i witnessed. my sister, who was with me, ultimately, at the end, burst out in anger, grief at the sight this callousness.
having complained, as usual, i do not know of any alternatives. i feel damned, if i do and damned if i dont do
i checked out the arya samaj website. they have prescriptions for weddings, but none for death.
i would be equally careful about sending a cow to a temple. Sinhachalam is not the only place where this happens. i dont know if we just give a cow to satisfy our conscience and forget about what goes on afterwards. so much emotion is tied to the dhanam itself, and so much to the cow. it may be better to avoid this altogether. but then faith intervenes.
tough decisions and no easy way, when one starts thinking through, for such things.
my empathies and sincerest condolences to vsr.
ps... come to think of it, i think the ganapadigal in varanasi, also performed the cow circus. i was so distraught at the whole arrangement for the 6 days, it probably escaped me. i remember my uncle, on whose recommendation we went, announcing later, that all the functions were performed 100% vedic style! and my parents are lucky. what luck, i still dont know.