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American childrens' lack of competitive spirit.

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JR

Hare Krishna
Well, maybe I'm generalizing a bit here, but I am just writing from my own experience, which was shockingly approved by few other friends of mine recently.


Owing to the fact that American education system in public schools atleast, does not have the quarterly, half-yearly and annual examinations followed by assigning of scores and 'ranks' to the students, many children, including my own, are completely devoid of any 'competitive spirit'.


Competitive spirit serves to be a profound motivator to achieve - to excel. Indian school system still promotes competitive examinations for all students and many, many students benefit from this as they are motivated by competitive spirit to achieve! And they score high!


Whereas in American schools, there is no concept of "Rank" or "1st mark", etc. I have practically seen several children just give all subjects some preliminary understanding so as to 'pass' in the examination but never have the aim to 'score high' and 'achieve' because they lack this competitive spirit!


Please share if you have any observations.
 
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Well, maybe I'm generalizing a bit here, but I am just writing from my own experience, which was shockingly approved by few other friends of mine recently.


Owing to the fact that American education system in public schools atleast, does not have the quarterly, half-yearly and annual examinations followed by assigning of scores and 'ranks' to the students, many children, including my own, are completely devoid of any 'competitive spirit'.


Competitive spirit serves to be a profound motivator to achieve - to excel. Indian school system still promotes competitive examinations for all students and many, many students benefit from this as they are motivated by competitive spirit to achieve! And they score high!


Whereas in American schools, there is no concept of "Rank" or "1st mark", etc. I have practically seen several children just give all subjects some preliminary understanding so as to 'pass' in the examination but never have the aim to 'score high' and 'achieve' because they lack this competitive spirit!


Please share if you have any observations.
hi

in india...we have more tests in writing....no practical experience....to get LKG ADMISION IS LIKE ROCKET SCIENCE.....MONEY

ORIENTED EDUCATION SYSTEM IN SCHOOLS....BEST MONEY SPINNING BUSINESS IS INDIAN EDUCATION...but here in USA...

free compulsory education with free bus/even free food ....NO CHILD LEFT OUT IS THE POLICY OF USA....in usa..school

system based on county/state based.....many programmes in govt school in usa is BETTER THAN BEST PRIVATE SCHOOLS

IN INDIA.....in india...BEST SCHOOL EDUCATION ONLY FOR RICH PEOPLE...NOT FOR COMMON/MIDDLE CLASS....i like USA

EDUCATION IS FAR BETTER THAN INDIAN EDUCATION....WE HAVE TO BRIBE MONEY FOR LKG ADMISSION IN INDIA....

INDIAN SCHOOLS/COLLEGES ARE LIKE FACTORIES....MONEY SPEAKS....sorry to say....
 
TBS ji,

But may I know your observation on the lack of competitive spirit part?...

Take me as an example. Until my elementary school, I was an average student. When I came to middle school, there were few very bright students in my class who scored within the first 3 ranks always. Overcome by my desire to surpass them, I started shining in my studies - a trait which I retained all through my school and college years.

I noticed that my son who is a double graduate in Math and EE and a bright student lacks this competitive spirit - to surpass one's peers and achieve high -- or to put it in plain terms, "to win 1st Rank". I know few people in my friends circle with whom I was discussing this the other day and they expressed the same opinion as I do. Whereas I know some people who scored 1st Rank/State first, etc, in studies because they wanted to outshine their peers! This type of competition is natural among children in Indian schools, whereas their American counterparts are sorely lacking in it, IMHO.

So what's your take on this issue? Do you think having the 'competitive spirit' is good or not?
 
TBS ji,

But may I know your observation on the lack of competitive spirit part?...

Take me as an example. Until my elementary school, I was an average student. When I came to middle school, there were few very bright students in my class who scored within the first 3 ranks always. Overcome by my desire to surpass them, I started shining in my studies - a trait which I retained all through my school and college years.

I noticed that my son who is a double graduate in Math and EE and a bright student lacks this competitive spirit - to surpass one's peers and achieve high -- or to put it in plain terms, "to win 1st Rank". I know few people in my friends circle with whom I was discussing this the other day and they expressed the same opinion as I do. Whereas I know some people who scored 1st Rank/State first, etc, in studies because they wanted to outshine their peers! This type of competition is natural among children in Indian schools, whereas their American counterparts are sorely lacking in it, IMHO.

So what's your take on this issue? Do you think having the 'competitive spirit' is good or not?

hi jayashree,

this first rank myth ....makes a lot of mental health problems....generally we compare with other kids....PAARU DA PAKKATHU

AATHU PAYYAN UNNAI VIDA ADHIGAM MARK VAANGITTAN......பாரு டா பக்கத்து ஆத்து பய்யன் உன்னை விட அதிகம் மார்க் வாங்கிட்டன்....

this comparison is not good competetion....EVERY INDIVIDUAL IS UNIQUE....I NEVER COMPARE MUCH.....just example ..my

daughter is doing USMD in a famous medical school in USA....my younger son is medium/normal...i know he cant be like his sister...
 
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PAARU DA PAKKATHU

AATHU PAYYAN UNNAI VIDA ADHIGAM MARK VAANGITTAN......பாரு டா பக்கத்து ஆத்து பய்யன் உன்னை விட அதிகம் மார்க் வாங்கிட்டன்....

LOL. I agree, the above attitude is very popular among our people... be it anything! I told about this the other day to my son and daughter -- and they were giggling!

this comparison is not good competetion....EVERY INDIVIDUAL IS UNIQUE....I NEVER COMPARE MUCH.....just example ..my

daughter is doing USMD in a famous medical school in USA....my younger son is medium/normal...i know he cant be like his sister...

Good Sir, I like it that your daughter is self-motivated to achieve big. But, for some, such self-motivation does not come by and this is where I think the competitive spirit might come handy...
 
There is lot of criticism regarding the Indian Education system where many says that it promotes only rote learning and real learning does not take place . I think in Today's context with the spread of Internet where more information is available the duty of the teacher /educator is to inculcate the curiosity and joy of learning in the student . Carl Sagan in his book "The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark " has dedicated a chapter No: 19 titled "NO such thing as a dumb question " where he deals with how the curiosity of the student is curtailed by our short sighted approach in education that encourages a student to pursue instant success i.e choose careers that are financially rewarding and avoid the longer route of developing a learning mind that is always curious to know why things are the way they are and discover the joys of finding answers to the same ` .
 
What is the point of achieving first rank if one cannot create something new and interesting in later life? Creativity is not measured in marks.
 
What is the point of achieving first rank if one cannot create something new and interesting in later life? Creativity is not measured in marks.

100% true!


Frankly speaking I do not think one needs to have a competitive spirit.

I never ever had a competitive spirit even though I was a very good student myself all thru school and college both in studies and sports(not bragging!LOL)

I always set my own personal goals without the need to compare and contrast with others. I have never ever thought of outshining anyone else cos I do not compare myself with others.There will surely be someone better than us or someone not as good as us..why do we need to keep a count?

But surprisingly many have tried to compete with me!LOL

I feel children should be taught to have a more balanced approach in life and study hard and realize that their full potential might not merely be measured in marks.

At the same time one need not be attached to "inaction" and do nothing to improve themselves.

Life is all about striking a balance..I have noted those who are too competitive never realize that life isn't all about marks and rank.

Most of them eventually end up with some serious physical health issues in later part of life owing to their type A personality...any form of "failure" in later life totally throws them off balance.

I teach my son that life is about sailing thru without being too affected by success or failure but at the same time trying our best to improve ourselves physically and mentally without abandoning human values.
 
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I agree with Renuka. There need not be "Killing" competitive spirit among children. They have only marks in view. I don't think a student getting two marks more than others is more intelligent. Learning the subject, getting interested in the subject and over all attitude is more important. If they like something they would naturally inclined to know more about it. Effort is more important than mugging up and getting marks. Schools should motivate children in becoming more creative and make them think and analyse. Ranking, 1st mark...these create more stress in children and more than children parents feel the stress. Comparing one child with another is not at at all good. Each child is unique.
Student has to improve on himself...once he improves he would not want to go back. What he is learning should be focused on. Good effort always fetches good results.
Yes, balanced approach is more important.
Syamala
 
What is the point of achieving first rank if one cannot create something new and interesting in later life? Creativity is not measured in marks.

I am not saying one's creativity is unimportant. Nor am I saying American education system is bad. Afterall, I have encountered numerous very brilliant programmers and system analysts of American descent in my experience.

In my practical observation though, the competitive spirit yields an achiever who would 'go beyond' his/her comfort zone and want to be adventurous and achieve big... be it any field, competition makes a student strive beyond what he/she is capable of (to begin with) and this includes all fields such as Sports, Music, Spelling Bees, etc.

A certain amount of healthy competition mindedness is good, IMO.
 
Life is all about striking a balance..I have noted those who are too competitive never realize that life isn't all about marks and rank.

I know of 1 person atleast who achieved big because of his competitive spirit -- he came State First in 12th public exams in Andhra State which got him admission into IIT Madras... and all through the way, he made it a point to aim and achieve big and he works right now as a Project Manager in a prestigious Software firm. His children win big be it anything - Sanskrit, Music, essay competitions, studies, Sports...

As I said in my reply to Biswa, having a certain amount of competition in one's mind will not be a total detriment - it might motivate us to excel in what we have and what we learn. Ofcourse, this is just my opinion.

I would be so happy if USA were to incorporate the ranking system of India!
 
I know of 1 person atleast who achieved big because of his competitive spirit -- he came State First in 12th public exams in Andhra State which got him admission into IIT Madras... and all through the way, he made it a point to aim and achieve big and he works right now as a Project Manager in a prestigious Software firm. His children win big be it anything - Sanskrit, Music, essay competitions, studies, Sports...

As I said in my reply to Biswa, having a certain amount of competition in one's mind will not be a total detriment - it might motivate us to excel in what we have and what we learn. Ofcourse, this is just my opinion.

I would be so happy if USA were to incorporate the ranking system of India!

hi

every country adopts some kind of tradional system of native....we in india ....generally follow OLD GURUKULA SYSTEM.....like

guru /shishya parambara of tradtional......it was followed by many thousands of years..even we modernised....our system

some kind of inclusive...many muslim countries follow their islam traditions...many western countries including USA. follow

some kind of christian missionary teaching systems....so every thing is good and everything is unique....
 
To reply to Ms. JR's example: Standing 1st in 12th and then finally only Proj Mgr? Why not VP or CEO? This actually illustrates my contention: Indians need to think bigger.

I see Indians winning spelling bee after spelling obscure words and I think, what's the point? Who is going to be helped by this? On the other hand, Indians win the Intel Science competition as well, and that has more promise.
 
hi

every country adopts some kind of tradional system of native....we in india ....generally follow OLD GURUKULA SYSTEM.....like

guru /shishya parambara of tradtional......it was followed by many thousands of years....

I feel in Gurukula system a student was taught to be holistic in approach and he was groomed to face the world and its challenges without actually taking rank into consideration.

In fact many a times we have read that average or even dull students in the Gurukula became the Guru's favorite becos of devotion and eventually was the one who became enlightened and the competitive students always grew up to have a jealous streak.
 
Dear Biswa,


i fully agree..I find this spelling bees just a waste of time when in fact the brain just identifies a word by word recognition and not spelling.

The brain identifies the first and last word and recognizes similar looking words without even the brain spelling it.

Coming to competitive spirit..I have noted those with a competitive spirit almost always have a jealous streak in them and their only aim in life is to outshine any potential rival.

I feel its a evolutionary instinct of "survival of the fittest" kind and holistic thinking has not yet cruised the mind.

Highly competitive individuals are highly dependent on others for them to succeed.

Its the success and failure of others that determines the life and times of a competitive person.

So just imagine if everyone around us slacks..the competitive person then starts to feel that he is still better than others but does not work as hard anymore cos he does not have too since others are not a threat anymore.

That way the competitive person starts to slack himself without even realizing it.

In a kingdom of the blind..a one eyed man is a king scenario!LOL

So its always better to not compete with others and we set our goal in life so that we only uplift ourselves and do not passively degrade ourselves.

Other people's performance should not matter..even if we stand 1st or 100th..it should be our personal goal and not bring others into the picture.
 
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Renukaji I agree with you. It is not always a zero sum game. A successful organization is not built by one-upmanship.
 
This article from Psychology today explains the mental make up and psychology of a competitive person well and how to deal with them in day to day life.

Worth a read.


How to Keep Your Cool with Competitive People







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Life isn't only about winning




We have all had to deal with a competitive person at some time. Whether it's the neighbor whose holiday decorations always have to be more extravagant or the coworker who grabs the credit for every project, competitive people can provoke feelings of irritation, anxiety, or inadequacy. You may end up questioning yourself or feeling that you didn't measure up to their level of wealth, talent or accomplishment. Or you may feel like you have to compete with them and end up spending extra time or money unnecessarily Why are some people competitive and what's the best way to handle them?



Fragile Self-Esteem

Research studies suggest that there are different kids of self-esteem. Some people may have a secure sense of self, regardless of the situation, whereas others may have unstable or fragile self-esteem that varies depending on their last accomplishment or whom they are able to impress. When they are doing well, they feel great and even superior to others, whereas when they encounter setbacks, they tend to feel shame and self-doubt. This results in anxiety and vigilance around social status and performance. They have to keep comparing themselves to others to make sure they are measuring up and haven't fallen behind.



Scarce Resources Model
Some people have a model of relationships that is based on scarce resources. In other words, if you get something, there is less left for me. They have a survival mentality and may be jealous and controlling. The basis for this is often a deep insecurity about having their emotional needs met. They may have had parents who were critical, played favorites, or were unavailable or inattentive to their emotional needs. This model does not take into account the fact that humans are inherently social beings and that connection and cooperation with larger social groups can increase our personal and environmental resources. A scarce resources model reflects a kind of "black and white" thinking in that it divides people into separate categories and ignore common goals and experiences.
images-2.jpeg




Narcissism & Sociopathy

Some competitive people may be pathologically narcissistic and self-centred, not seeing you as a separate human being, but more as a reflection or extension of themselves, a source of admiration for their accomplishments, a potential threat to their own success, or as an object to use or manipulate in order to meet their own needs or increase their resources. If they are also sociopathic, they may resort to manipulation, deception, intimidation and abuse to neutralize or eliminate threats and competition. These saboteurs are the most difficult to deal with, particularly if they have power over you in a work or social group setting. These individuals tend to seek out positions in which they have power and control over others.


Effects of Competitive Environments
All work environments involve some degree of competition. Healthy competition that is balanced with a sense of mutual respect and commitment to common goals can spur people to do their best work. However, if the competition involves nasty, sneaky, or otherwise ruthless behavior on an ongoing basis, this can undermine the health and performance of employees or group members. Research with animals suggests that those at the top of the hierarchy have better health if their leadership position is stable, but worse health if it unstable. Constantly having to protect your position and territory against competitors can take a toll on the body and mind of humans as well. The current recession has resulted in fewer jobs and employment uncertainty that increase competitive pressures. Nationwide, we are seeing an increase in anxiety disorders and mental health problems.


What You Can Do:
Below are some tips to help you cope with a competitive colleague, friend or family member. The best strategy to use depends on what the situation is (e.g., friends vs work), the cost of not winning, and what you think are the person's motives. There is no cookie cutter approach that always works. You need to keep monitoring if your strategy is working andtry a different one if it isn't.



At Work:
A competitive person at work who takes on extra work and responsibilities can be an asset to the whole team. Make sure that you have sufficient responsibilities to do your fair share and showcase your talents. If a team member goes beyond that, remember you have shared as well as individual goals, and praise their efforts. This may be what they're looking for to feel more comfortable and secure.
A sneaky competitor who tries to sabotage you or take credit for your work requires a different approach. Watch your back and use passwords to protect your information. Keep detailed records of your contributions and make sure to let your bosses know what you have done. You may want to confront the person directly to let them know you are on to them. If this isn't your style, let your boss know what is going on and steps you have already taken to address the problem. This type of person may act friendly to get information out of you, so keep your guard up and minimize contact with them. Don't let them get you to react, always be one step ahead. You may want to let other colleagues know about thesituation and ask for their support.



Friends and Family:
Generally, people who are competitive about their houses, kids, dinner parties and so on are either insecure or arrogant and want to prove superiority. If they are the insecure type, praising their accomplishments and staying calm and friendly may make them see you as an ally or as less of a threat. If they are arrogant, you may want to speak up and toot your own horn as well or change the subject when they start boasting. Arrogant people tend to be narcissistic and status-conscious, so if you exude confidence and appear to have high status and accomplishments, they are more likely to respect you. If this isn't your style, walk away and find a less self-centered person to talk to.


In General:
Try to figure out why this person is being competitive and what their needs and goals are. Also, see if there are any common goals that you can use to get them to work with you, rather than against you. Highlight the specific values and goals that you have in common, such as "We both want the best for our kids..." etc. Also, be a team player yourself to help them see the benefit of cooperation. It may help to suggest specific ways you can work together such as: "e.g., "Let's divvy up this job to avoid duplicating effort. What part would you like to do?" This strategy works better if the person can be trusted to do their share and not grab all the credit.
Whatever strategy you choose, be mindful of how this person may be triggering your own negative scripts and insecurities. Try to see the whole person and relationship, of which competitiveness may be only one aspect. Don't personalize the person's behavior or get too attached to making them change. This may be about their inner insecurities, not about you. Keep in mind the humanity that you share with this person and try to summon up compassion for both you and them. When you are centered and clear about who you are, difficult people become easier to deal with.


Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist, life coach, and expert on thriving in difficult circumstances who has published her own research on stressand coping, wellness, and relationships. She is also a professional speaker and media consultant.




https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201109/how-keep-your-cool-competitive-people

 
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Competitive spirit is part of the human spirit ! so lets see the impact of the “mahanu bhavas” who are saying competitive spirit is so Indian… & not so western… and with emphasis that western is somehow better…

Kids without competitive spirit –
1. Despite being more intelligent, they will end up reporting to some “jacksss” Boss who doesn’t know anything, but is more competitive..
2. They will be shunted from Job to Job… eventually being kicked out… since they are more smart than the Boss & he will see them as a threat..
3. They will not take any risks, so will not start a business, or take high risk high paying jobs…
4. Many of them will be out of workforce by their 40s…
5. And then they will stare at a uncertain future, that too if they have mortgage & kids !!

So there goes our “uncompetitive story”… LOL !!

So no wonder, Americans are being beaten by the “hungry, more competitive immigrant” coming from all over the world & they cry about immigration control…

Despite our shortcomings, Indian education with highly competitive spirit, Tiger Moms pushing their kids to excel, etc… are the very reason why the first gen NRIs do well, then the 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] gen NRIs fare very badly except a few, & then by 3[SUP]rd[/SUP] gen, most are on foodstamps… LOL !!!
 
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To reply to Ms. JR's example: Standing 1st in 12th and then finally only Proj Mgr? Why not VP or CEO? This actually illustrates my contention: Indians need to think bigger.

I see Indians winning spelling bee after spelling obscure words and I think, what's the point? Who is going to be helped by this? On the other hand, Indians win the Intel Science competition as well, and that has more promise.

I find the above argument most silly. Instead of getting to nowhere, owing to the competitive spirit, someone got 'somewhere'. That's the essence of the message.

Since this thread is not about 'Spelling Bees', I skip discussing about them. They were earlier mentioned together with excelling at Sports, Academia, Music, etc, all together to convey a message - to get somewhere instead of nowhere.
 
Kids without competitive spirit –
1. Despite being more intelligent, they will end up reporting to some “jacksss” Boss who doesn’t know anything, but is more competitive..
2. They will be shunted from Job to Job… eventually being kicked out… since they are more smart than the Boss & he will see them as a threat..
3. They will not take any risks, so will not start a business, or take high risk high paying jobs…
4. Many of them will be out of workforce by their 40s…
5. And then they will stare at a uncertain future, that too if they have mortgage & kids !!

So there goes our “uncompetitive story”… LOL !!

So no wonder, Americans are being beaten by the “hungry, more competitive immigrant” coming from all over the world & they cry about immigration control…

Despite our shortcomings, Indian education with highly competitive spirit, Tiger Moms pushing their kids to excel, etc… are the very reason why the first gen NRIs do well, then the 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] gen NRIs fare very badly except a few, & then by 3[SUP]rd[/SUP] gen, most are on foodstamps… LOL !!!

I completely agree with the above message, thanks!
 
The Benefits of Feeling Competitive

Why feeling competitive can be good for us
Post published by Lisa Firestone Ph.D. on Sep 10, 2013 in Compassion Matters

Being competitive can have an ugly connotation in our society. It has become, in some ways, synonymous with greed, envy and narcissism(link is external). But feeling competitive isn’t always about climbing the ladder, winning the race or getting ahead. Competitive feelings are completely natural. Moreover, they’re unavoidable. Like it or not, we all feel competitive a lot of the time.
Most of us are uncomfortable with our competitiveness. Competitive thoughts are rarely nice. They’re usually exaggerated, and often, unsettling. And why wouldn’t they be? Competing itself is, by nature, fairly uncomfortable. Nevertheless, allowing ourselves to feel our competitive feelings cleanly and directly is not only acceptable; it’s actually healthy. Our competitive feelings are an indication of what we want, and acknowledging what we want is key to getting to know ourselves.
Competitive feelings don’t discriminate. They can be felt toward distant strangers or our closest friends: that attractive co-worker we’ve only heard about or our best friend since we were toddlers. However, because these feelings often feel unacceptable to us, we tend to ward them off or disguise them in ways that can be hurtful to ourselves and to others. When we suppress these feelings, we leave them to fester and impact us in a variety of negative ways.
It’s important to get comfortable with our competitive feelings. We can do this by recognizing that thoughts and feelings are separate from actions. We can allow ourselves to feel whatever we feel, then choose how we behave. By applying this principle to our competitive feelings, we can avoid their many negative manifestations. These include:
CynicismWhen we fail to acknowledge our competitive feelings, we are more likely to become cynical. This may sound counter-intuitive. Wouldn’t putting someone else down or wanting what they have make us more cynical? Actually, competitiveness is very different from cynicism(link is external). Cynicism arises when we won’t accept our competitive feelings simply for what they are. If, for example, our boss was to acknowledge a co-worker in a meeting, we may think, “Wait! I want that recognition. I work just as hard and am worthy of just as much praise.” We may turn against our co-worker, “What a kiss up! She doesn’t even deserve this. She’s barely competent. Why am I even trying at this company when idiots like her reap all the rewards?”
When this less-than-pleasant thought process arises, we can take one of two courses. We can accept that we are competitive. We can feel outright that we want acknowledgment in our career. When we let ourselves experience these feelings, fully and directly, in the moment, we can more easily move on. We can even channel these feelings into being more motivated, working harder or setting specific goals for ourselves.
On the flip side, we can distort our competitive feelings into cynicism. We can allow them to well up or fester within us. We can confuse them with our real point of view or turn against the person with whom we feel competitive. Instead of seeing that we simply want what the person is getting and moving on, we can engage in a destructive thought process that negatively colors the world we live in.
GossipWhen we deny our competitive feelings, we may slowly start to distort those around us through a negative lens. Gossip is a way we attempt to release or relieve ouranger or cynicism. Instead of feeling competitive with that very attractive woman who is friendly and confident in her demeanor, we may comment on her “slutty style” or refer to her as a “phony tease.” We may even gossip about people close to us, saying one thing to their face and another behind their back.
Our feelings toward a person aren’t black or white. In fact, the people we most respect are the people we are bound to feel most competitive with. We can be happy for them and hate them all at the same time – often for the same thing. We may be thrilled that they just bought their stunning dream house and simultaneously wish that it would get termites. If we face our feelings directly, we can get some relief, even laugh them off. If we don’t, we may start taking less respectful actions, maybe calling our friend a “social climber” when he isn’t around or criticizing his “materialistic goals” or “superficial interests” to a mutual friend. This commentary or gossip may feel good in the moment, but it leaves us feeling pretty lousy within ourselves.
Self-denial—One of the worst results of denying our competitive feelings is that it can cause us to reject what we really want in life. Because feelings of desire or jealousy make us uncomfortable, we may pretend that we don’t want whatever we once longed for anymore. If someone we had a crush on goes out with someone else or if a job we interviewed for falls through, we can easily turn against ourselves and become self-denying. Instead of thinking, “I really wanted that, and I’m furious that I didn’t get it,” we might think, “I don’t even care. I never really wanted that. I’m not going to put myself out there to embarrass myself again.” When we engage in this pattern, we become increasingly passive. Rather than going after what we desire, we avoid it, all in the interest of denying our “unacceptable” competitive feelings.
Jealousy—Competitive feelings can be full of jealousy. Allowing ourselves to have competitive thoughts will not leave us falling victim to unstoppable fits of envy or suspicion. When we hold back our healthy and natural competitive feelings, we strengthen the negative parts of those feelings –jealousy included. Instead of building a case against someone, we can face the reality of our feelings and adopt a healthier attitude.
For example, a guy I know recently revealed to me a thought process he went through at a party with his girlfriend. He noticed that she was happily chatting with other people, including a few men throughout the night. At first he thought, “She is totally flirting with my friend. Why does she light up around him? Is she more into him than me? I should just dump her before she makes a fool out of me.”
At a certain point, he realized that what he was really feeling was competitive. He wanted her to respond to him the way she was responding to other people at the party. His thinking quickly changed to, “I love when she is fun like this. I want to share that with her.” Instead of listening to the voice in his head that told him to pull away and act cold to her, he joined her and engaged in joking around with her. By being lighthearted and fun himself, she was naturally drawn to him, and they were both able to feel closer and happier with each other. If he’d acted on his jealous insecurities, rather than admitting he felt competitive, he would have achieved just the opposite.
Self-hatred—Another risk of burying our competitive feelings is that we may turn them around and use them to feel bad about ourselves(link is external). A straightforward competitive thought like, “I hate that he is so smart and always says the right thing,” may turn into an attack toward ourselves like, “You are so stupid. You never know what to say. He is so much more engaging than you.” When we turn against our competitive feelings, we turn against ourselves. We feel ashamed of who we are and what we want. Instead of seeking to emulate the people we admire, we simply tear ourselves down in relation to them.
With so many negative manifestations of suppressing our direct competitive feelings, how can we face them more honestly and make sure to use them in healthy ways? First of all, we have to remember that feeling competitive is not about letting these emotions take over or ruminating in negative thoughts(link is external). It’s about accepting our naturally occurring competitive responses, feeling them fully and moving on. We can accept that we have these feelings a lot of the time. We can even have fun with them, letting ourselves have the nastiest thought possible, then letting that thought go.
Doing this as an exercise can feel clean, healthy and even refreshing. As illustrated by the above examples, when we suppress our competitive feelings, they have a way of seeping into and influencing our behavior. Yet, each time we acknowledge that we have these thoughts, we can consciously choose how we want to act. We can be much more proactive in becoming the best version of ourselves, both accepting ourselves and evolving, as the motivated (and competitive) individuals that we inherently are.
Read more from Dr. Lisa Firestone at PsychAlive.org






 
hi JR,

i remember one story recently in my son's school....he is in middle school in USA...last month he got grade report.....he got

As and some Bs too.....in his class an american white gal got some Cs and Ds tooo...so her parents were upset and yelled at her..

she was upset in the class..she told her story to my son....then my son told her that MY PARENTS ARE VERY PROUD OF ME....

even though he got some B's ....we never yelled at him instead we got HAPPY MEAL FROM MCDONALDS.....so im not top

on my class in india...i was medium/average in my school.... in college i was OK....SO I GOT PH D ADMISSION in delhi

university.....so i dont beleive first rank in my life.....infact many first ranking students failed in their life....
 
I find the above argument most silly. Instead of getting to nowhere, owing to the competitive spirit, someone got 'somewhere'. That's the essence of the message.

Since this thread is not about 'Spelling Bees', I skip discussing about them. They were earlier mentioned together with excelling at Sports, Academia, Music, etc, all together to convey a message - to get somewhere instead of nowhere.

JR, I am going to report your post, since you used the derogatory word "silly". I think most of your posts are silly too, but I didn't mention it until now.

You think project manager is getting somewhere? Sorry, in Silicon Valley that is getting nowhere. Project managers are a dime a dozen and are usually populated by bored housewives trying to return to work. Maybe you are familiar with that. The people who are successful start as software engineers and then climb the ladder.

Sorry your friend is in a dead-end job.
 
I think most of your posts are silly too, but I didn't mention it until now.

Thanks! How surprising! The feelings are "mutual"! (Not only that, I also find your "agenda" and your "friends circle" useless too... I too didn't mention this too.

You think project manager is getting somewhere? Sorry, in Silicon Valley that is getting nowhere. Project managers are a dime a dozen and are usually populated by bored housewives trying to return to work. Maybe you are familiar with that. The people who are successful start as software engineers and then climb the ladder.

Sorry your friend is in a dead-end job.

I wouldn't speak about someone (and his job) when I know nothing about it! Its better again, "not to poke one's nose" into things they don't know anything about!
 
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