I wrote this several years back
“No pa.., I won’t accept that. No matter what you argue, I am not going to accept it”- Ramya said.
“Well.. that’s your choice. But I am telling you the truth” –I said.
“I definitely think true love exists. True love is one which once you engage in it, you won’t even look at others, apart from your partner. And it is for life.” – Ramya said.
“You don’t have the age and experience to talk like that Ramya” – I said.
Ramya is my daughter. She is 15 years old. We were sitting in a hotel and having dinner, when the conversation got struck on true love. It was Feb. 14[SUP]th[/SUP], Valentine’s day and hence the conversation had veered towards love and true love.
I was commenting on love and true love. I told her while love is to be celebrated, it does not come out of a rose or a moment of fascination.
I had told her that true love requires hard-work, time, understanding, adapting to each other and most important of all an external force called culture and value systems that makes people stick together for some time, giving them time and space to adapt to each other. Even with all this, I had told her, it depends on self-control of each individual not to go astray and out of bonding.
She refuted it. She was of the view that there is something definitely like true love which makes people stick together from first instant till their last breath. In particular, once they are committed, true love makes them committed to each other. If people split that means they do not have true love.
The witnesses were my wife and little son to this strange, but heated conversation.
“Do you mean to say that you are exercising self-control to be in relationship with Amma” – she asked me, after some silence.
I did not expect it. Anyway I have gotten into a debate. I have to close it.
“Well.. I won’t say exactly that. But yes, there could be times, when mind wanders. At that time, I exercise self-control to ensure that I am faithful to my wife and kids. I value this relationship. If I am a person without self-control, probably I may be committing mistakes” – I said.
“So you don’t have true love towards Amma. Your mind wanders and you control yourself. It is out of compulsion of external systems that you are living with us. Otherwise you will go away. Is that what you mean..?”- she asked.
I looked at my wife’s face. My wife of fifteen years, doting, caring, standing like a rock behind me for all these fifteen years was keenly looking at me. I could see a sense of shock, disbelief and some confusion in her face.
“See Ramya, I know you have grown old and you understand people’s mentality. I did not say I loaf around looking for opportunities to go astray. But one thing we all need to understand is, that in this world, everything is designed or shaped towards evolution of higher intelligent beings. And in that process, males get placed with mentality of seeking around, while females get placed with mentality of staying the ground. This is the current path, that has helped us evolve till now, from plants to animals to human beings. I don’t know what future holds, but this is the current path” – I said.
“So you are justifying your diversionary tendencies saying that it is males mentality. And you are imposing faithfulness on your wife in the name of female’s evolutionary path. Is it not..?” –Ramya asked.
“No.. I have never seen a woman in my life other than my wife, your mother. I am true and will always be true. I just said, as a male, there are times, I needed to exercise self-control. That is all. The testosterone levels in a male are not controlled by brain. Isn’t it..? It is natural. Such testosterone induced emotions needed to be controlled by our mental conditioning.” – I said.
I could see I have landed myself in a bigger soup. My wife’s face had become red with anger. She did not intervene. But I could sense her emotion.
“So now you are justifying your diversions based on male physiology. I never thought you would be so low..?” – said Ramya.
“No.. No.. That’s not what I meant. How to put it to you..?” – I shut my mouth for sometime to collect my thoughts once again.
“Do you know, who she is to me first..?” – I asked Ramya pointing at my wife.
“Your innocent wife, who believed that you are true to her, who did not know that you have emotions for other women” – said Ramya sarcastically.
“No.. First she is my friend of fifteen years. You know she is my first friend and best friend. I share everything with her, including everything I write. She is my only best friend. After that she is my love. After that she is my wife.” – As I said that I looked at my wife. “Our love is based on our friendship. Do you understand..? And that friendship is based on the hard-work we have put into our relationship all these years. Do you understand..? This is what I meant.”
Yeah. It clicked. My wife’s face became bright. She liked it very much. I thought I crossed one hurdle.
“You know Ramya.. Your appa is right in some ways. Males are like that. They get easily distracted and diverted in anything. That is by nature. Only if they have self-control, they can maintain a relationship” – My wife supported me. “But only now, I understand you appa is also like any other person.” – she said with a bit of disappointment in her voice.
I kept quite.
"Appa, how much more time it will take...? See those people. Their ice-creams are mouth-watering..? I am feeling hungrier.." - said Ramya.
"Is it correct to drool at the food of others Ramya..?" - I asked.
"C'mmon dad.. I don't control it.." - said Ramya. "If you look at tasty food, mouth will water"
"Then what prevents you from taking it and eating it..?" - I asked "from their plate".
"If I am a jarawah tribe, I would have definitely done it. But I have grown in a city. I know manners" - said Ramya.
"That is self-control Ramya" - I said "Shall we also order ice-creams after our food..?"
"Hmm.. Not today appa.. I know.. Kanna is just recovering from cold and fever. If we have ice-creams, he will also get tempted. So we have to have it some other time. But let us start the food first" - said Ramya.
"Ramya, this self-control, this understanding and adapting to each other is what is love. Love is not a flower that blooms in the night and fades in the morning. True Love is like a grain. Like the paddy plant that comes out after months of hard-work, friendship grows in our mind, through years of hardwork. Like the grain that comes out when plant matures, love comes out only when friendship matures. In between lot of control, restraint and hardwork is needed to ensure that friendship grows in our mind. It doesn't just come in a day.."- I said
"I won't listen to your lecture" -said Ramya "I want food. Tell me about food."
“OK.."- I said."I will tell you about food.There is nothing like a true love that is born innate. There is a physical attraction that is born innate. This physical attraction is like the raw and fresh salad, that we start with, in our dinner. From that we will have to move onto true and close friendship, like we move on to starters and the main course. Like the starters and main course, true and close friendship will happen only when it is cooked for adequate time. And then comes the love, which is the desserts/ice-creams. This is the course of a real fullfilling, hunger-satisfying dinner"
“Stop it " - said Ramya "Why can't we have only ice-creams every time and feel full-filling and hunger-satisfied every time we take them..?"
-TBT
